CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS

“There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.” Prov. 18:24

Foundational to the universe and life itself are relationships. Why do we need personal relationships with others, especially when they so often go awry? What are the distinctions between healthy and unhealthy relationships? Are relationships really worth the trouble? Not only can they cost time, money, and energy, but they can often lead to stress and an obsessiveness with meeting other people’s needs also. Why then are they essential to our health and well being?

First, we were made in the likeness of God, and God Himself has a relational aspect of His character. He is in relationship to other members of the Godhead and to His created beings, and He created us to also enjoy relationships. God chooses to reveal His personal character traits either by contrast or comparison through human individuals – imperfect as those individuals might be. Loving others is a result of loving Him.1, 2

Then, too, the grand attributes of life – love, mercy, sympathy, righteousness, and graciousness – can be understood and enjoyed only in the context of mutual social interaction. None of these virtues can even exist without some degree of involvement with others in meaningful relationships. As we extend these qualities to others, they are often reflected back to us and as a result, we become happier and more helpful individuals.

We also need relationships to complement each other and balance our weaknesses and limitations. Even interpersonal conflicts can strengthen us if we put forth the effort to explore issues and reassess, wrestle, and affirm or upgrade the values we esteem. As we struggle with conflicting issues, our values and principles become clearer, and we become more focused on what truly is important.

Isolation, on the other hand, can lead to a variety of problems. The Bible explains that a lack of healthy relationships can contribute to addictions. A hardening of one’s heart (lack of concern for God and others) can lead to self-deceitfulness, a loss of sensitivity, and ultimately, submission to sensuality (addictions). 3 Love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, and gentleness must first be accepted, internalized, and somewhat practiced before self-control (including victory over addictions) can be realized.4

However great the potential for mutual enjoyment and the benefits relationships confer, they can also become equally as devastating if entered into with a spirit of codependency. What exactly are codependent relationships and why are they important to recognize?

Codependency is a persistent attempt to control painful internal thoughts and feelings by manipulating external circumstances in harmful and maladaptive ways. The codependent individual’s life revolves around one thing, one pursuit, or one person to the detriment or exclusion of balanced perspectives and priorities. Like cancer cells, codependency ignores natural boundaries and subverts energy, time, and resources to feed itself. Any kind of codependency “may include:

1.    lack of social competence,
2.    low resistance to emotional stress, and
3.    poor choices in expressing impulses.”4

To avoid confronting the resurfacing, devastating pain, ungodly strategies – like drugs, alcohol, binge eating, compulsive gambling, and many others – are entered upon to anesthetize the hurting soul. Since ungodly strategies never heal, the disease continues to run its course. Adding to the pain of deprivation is the consequential pain resulting from poor choices and ungodly strategies. Guilt, shame, and broken relationships accrue interest, so that when another crisis erupts, as it invariably will, the soul finds itself bankrupt and worse . . . destitute of hope.

Children reared in families with high stress and low nurturing are at a high risk for developing codependency. It need not have been that the family was outright abusive. The parents might have been obsessed with work, social engagements, chronic illness, or had an unusually high level of unrealistic expectations, or perfectionistic, performance-oriented thinking, depriving their children of sufficient nurturing and guidance. As children perceive manipulation, chronic low self-worth, suppressed feelings, avoidance behavior, perfectionistic thinking in their parents and significant others, the software of their impressionable minds accepts such behavior as normal.5 Without adequate help and counseling, children raised in a dysfunctional family will repeat the behaviors modeled by their parents in their adulthood, although not necessarily in the same ways. They may resort to drugs, alcohol, food addictions, repeated infatuations, or some other more acceptable form of dysfunction, such as spending inordinate amounts of time, energy, and money in their work of rescuing others.

Warning Signs

A codependent individual often becomes engaged in unhealthy relationships. He may become addicted to one special person who may or may not reinforce his over-dependence on him. In their book, Love Is A Choice, psychiatrists Frank Minirth and Paul Meier describe what propels a person into a codependent relationship. Here are some cardinal warning signs of a co-dependent relationship.6

1.    An individual afflicted with codependency suffers from low self-esteem and loss of self-identity. He compulsively and predominately draws his sense of worth from one particular individual who at first affirms him. His happiness depends solely on another individual. His mood reflects theirs.
2.    In an effort to obtain love, codependent individuals unwittingly mistake infatuation, mutual love-hunger, physical attraction, and affections as genuine love.
3.    They become compulsively obsessed with the other person, unable to let go. They feel unduly responsible for the actions and feelings of the other. This becomes dangerous because when this happens, the person can no longer make a decision based upon what is right. Rather, his decisions are based upon how he thinks the other person will respond. He over-extends himself in his efforts to help the other person. His entire world revolves around that one individual to the exclusion of balanced priorities and development of other important relationships. Wise counseling is essential to help him develop a healthy perspective.
4.    When other individuals confront him about his codependency, he vigorously denies that a problem exists, or he devalues their concern and downplays the seriousness of the situation.  
5.    The codependent person’s bondage to possessiveness, jealousy, exclusiveness, and his ability to choose, robs him, his partner, and society of elevated virtues. The following interpersonal dynamics fuel a codependent relationship.6
•    A false intimacy. The closeness that is at first so appealing degrades itself into controlling manipulation that sabotages the boundaries of both parties.
•    Possessiveness, jealousy, and suspicion. “If you use up your energies with other individuals and see how fun they are to be with, you will lose interest in me.”  With his exclusive and narrow focus, the codependent individual attempts to shut out the company and needs of others in order to spend an inordinate amount of time alone with his special person.
•     Unnatural curiosity about the other person’s life leads to his intervention in his partner’s private affairs and other relationships – personal habits, business arrangements, and other matters. Eavesdropping is not recognized as an intrusion of privacy.
•    Inability to choose, combined with a shallow illusion of strength, cripples the will of a codependent individual. Even in physically abusive relationships, a wife might not leave her husband for fear of emotional consequences. “He is all I have. I have no other resources.” A feeling of panic can arise when the other partner starts to negotiate boundaries. “If you pull back from me or we turn down the volume on our relationship, I will lose strength and cease to exist. But if you fill my needs for love, affirmation, and affection, I will fill yours.”
•    A fear of abandonment often underlies codependent relationships.

Freeing Ourselves

How can we avoid being sucked into the pit of codependency? How can we free ourselves if we do find that we are in a codependent relationship or have codependent tendencies? This article cannot give tailor-made answers for each individual, but it can offer broad solutions for help and hope.

A codependent individual is disconnected from others, and in a sense – from God, except for their one special person. His final value is in himself. His obsession is with his own inadequacy. “Am I able to keep this one relationship going? All my others have failed.” In ungodly independence he plans and manipulates the other person to assuage his pain, not thinking of his friend needs, but his own. His denied longing prompts him to self-justified selfishness. “I’ll get what I can to end this pain,” he cries, unconscious of his own and others’ legitimate needs.7

In order to overcome any injurious habit, we must substitute for the bad with good. Avoiding or extricating oneself from an unhealthy relationship does not consist of withdrawing reflexively from any connection with contempt and disgust, but in developing a variety of healthy connections with varying degrees of intimacy. Absence of social support is a major social risk factor in the development of depression. One internist observed after studying the research on the topic that “there is a compelling connection between depression and the lack of social support.”8 In addition, distrust of others, feelings of loneliness, isolation, and suppression of emotions weaken the immune system, while openness, trust, successful coping skills, and social support strengthen the immune system.9 To avoid or recover from codependency, one must distribute concerns, time, means, and energy among several individuals rather than focusing on the needs and contributions of just one.

Cultivate balance within your life. Because health and happiness depend upon that harmonious development of the mental, physical, spiritual, social, emotional, and volitional dimensions of our being, our time should consist of varying activities that recharge our batteries so that we can serve society better and more wisely. A pie chart of how we actually distribute our time can help us take inventory of our priorities, personality, and relationships, reinforcing the need for balance in our lives.

Consider the motivations of the soul. I admit I sometimes have viewed codependent friendships and romances with a less than honorable, unsympathetic disgust. However, I suspect that most of us have lurking within us subtle motivations and sprouting seeds of potential for codependency. With faltering account keeping of our own souls, we inadvertently try to manage our assets like we would a retirement portfolio. Psychologist Larry Crabb spells it out in his book Connecting. He notices that human beings have at least four agendas.10 When carried to the extreme, they encourage codependency or other maladaptive responses to the problems of life.

1.    Depending on one’s own resources to make life successful.
2.    Reducing the mystery of life to manageable strategies and following them.
3.    Making it a priority to minimize personal risks.
4.    Finding satisfaction whenever we can.

I suppose all of the above agendas have advantages and merits to some extent, but as we increasingly focus more on these agendas and become less God- and others-oriented, we become egocentric and cripple our usefulness and even happiness in this world. We use these agendas to take advantage of others. With our pseudo-gods of defense, we are in a codependent mode of operation, using externals to suppress fears so that we don’t have to deal with them! We really understand the perspectives of God and His instruction only when we are actively connecting with Him.

One danger resulting from codependency is that we derive our self-worth from something or someone outside ourselves. While it is important to our growth to receive feedback and appreciate constructive criticism, it is dangerous to let position, money, our work, or loved ones define who we are. The codependent individual feels as if his pain defines him. Cowering with pain, he seeks a better definition of himself. Permanent progress can be achieved only when one realizes that God actually loves him or else He would not have sent His Son on such an expensive errand to redeem him. Despite past blunders and present devastation, the grace of God is open to all who seek it. In order to overcome any type of codependency, the codependent individual must purposefully reject and renounce the values the offender(s) has/have put upon his life and replace them with God’s evaluation of him. As this happens and he understands something of God’s love for him, he shifts his trust away from things, position, and unhealthy relationships, toward God.

Treat the root of the disease. Don’t exchange one addiction for another. I have seen individuals give up alcohol to become addicted to work – a more acceptable addiction. These individuals work rather than get essential sleep, overextend themselves, and always compete with the clock. Their self-worth is based upon productivity, often valuing the desired product above people, thus becoming irritated when interrupted. Workaholics use work to avoid people or nagging problems of the soul, find it difficult to relax, and often work to the detriment of good lifestyle practices that would preserve health, while shelving their family and other essential priorities.11

Although alcohol may no longer destroy a workaholic’s health, sleep deprivation weakens his immune system.9 His family will still suffer from his absence. Workaholism is now the escape.  Emotional and personal needs persist and negatively motivate the workaholic because they are not being met in healthy ways. But emotional needs as well as temporal needs must be met, or else our emotional poverty will infiltrate our lives like a thief. Soul emptiness embezzles the soul. Just as we need to spend time to supply our temporal needs, we must take time for our psycho-spiritual needs, too.12

The fear of abandonment needs to be seriously addressed. Countering faulty thinking patterns (common in codependency) and uprooting them greatly helps to remove this fear. For example, all-or-none thinking says, “If she has other friends, she won’t love me as much.” That is not true since true love is expansive and inclusive. Generalization thinking says, “I have to keep my abusive spouse.  If they won’t support me, no one else one will either.” Unrealistic should-thinking says, “I will do anything to keep him (even sacrifice principle). I should help him solve all his problems. He won’t survive if he leaves me.” This type of thinking needs to be countered with unobscured values, logic, clear boundaries, personal accountability, and healthy, alternative perspectives. For many people this will mean securing constructive counseling. The blame-game here just intensifies the problem.

For the fear of abandonment nothing works quite as effectively as internalizing the love and abiding presence of God. I have experienced codependency to some extent myself. Compensating for several real disabilities and many perceived limitations, my work became a pseudo-god. Always fearful of not having a job, I fought my insecurities by engaging in seemingly positive enterprises, tackling more than I could wisely handle, and neglecting personal needs until my physical and mental health were jeopardized. Shame and persistence clouded even my good actions. I was often motivated by self-protection. Only by realization of the grace and goodness of Jesus have I had the courage to confront the inherent evil within me. Without it I would be impervious to genuine empathy. I would be unable to connect with anyone for mutual benefit. Although I still have some significant battles ahead of me, I have much more peace and joy in my life than ever before. I have found Him to be the absolute healing of abandonment and its rage that I have experienced as the adult child of a dysfunctional family. I finally know that even when I feel so alone, misunderstood, embarrassed, or deserted, “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”13 Indeed, He is the answer.

This article original appeared in The Journal of Health and Healing and used with permission of them and the author Elizabeth Hall. All rights reserved by the author 2008.

REFERENCES

1.    1 John 4:20, 7; 3:4, The Bible.
2.    Cloud, H., Changes that Heal. Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1990, pp. 45-81.
3.    Ephesians 4:18, 19, The Bible.
4.    Galatians 5:22, 23, The Bible, RSV.
5.    Cannon, C., Never Good Enough. Pacific Press Publishing Association, Nampa, Idaho, 1993, pp. 74-75.
6.    Hemfelt, R., et al., Love is a Choice. Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1989.
7.    Crabb, L., Connecting. Word Publishing, Nashville, Tennessee, 1997, p. 81.
8.    Nedley, N., Depression The Way Out. Nedley Publishing, Ardmore, Oklahoma, 2001, p. 45.
9.    Hall, E.J., Want to Bolster Your Immune System? Lifestyle Will Help! The Journal of Health & Healing, 23(3):16-19, 2001.
10. Crabb, L., Connecting. Word Publishing, Nashville, Tennessee, 1997, p. 91.
11.Cannon, C., Never Good Enough. Pacific Press Publishing Association, Nampa, Idaho, 1993,          pp. 114-117.
12.Proverbs 6:10, 11, The Bible, KJV, ASV.
13.Proverbs 18:24, The Bible.